Moppet

本人新人 版规已阅 笑点不那么大众 望版主手下留情
1.I joined a dating site. A woman wrote "Looking for a man who will be the reason I close my account."
Well, after a couple of weeks of threatening to rape and murder her and her kids she finally did. I love helping people.

我加入了一个约会网站。一个女人写道：“寻找一个男人，能成为我关闭这个账号的原因。”
经过几个星期的威胁奸杀她和她的孩子们，她真的关了。我真是乐于助人。
2.
In these snowbound difficult times I popped next door to see if 83 year-old Vera needed anything from the shop.
She said she did, so I gave her my list.
No point in both of us going out in this weather.

在这种大雪纷飞的艰难时期，我去隔壁83岁的维拉那里问她是否要从超市买点什么。
她说她需要，于是我把我的购物清单给她了。
这种鬼天气就没必要两个人都出门了吧。
3.Telephone poles are trees that cleaned up and got a job.

电线杆是收拾一新、找到工作的树。
4.My son is obsessed with Harry Potter, his bedroom is like a shrine, books, DVDs, posters, merchandise...
My wife is getting fed up with his obsession so snapped at him "He's fictional, you're worshipping somebody that doesn't exist."
Then she put her coat on and said "Right, "I'm off to church."

我的儿子特别迷恋哈利波特，他的卧室就像一个圣殿：书、DVD、海报、周边...
我妻子受够了他的妄想，对他厉声说道：“他是虚构出来的，你在崇拜一个根本不存在的人。”
然后她穿上了大衣，说：“行了，我要去教堂了。”

5.I perfected my time machine and couldn't wait to try it out, so I set it for 100 years into the future, when I got there I couldn't believe it it, flying cars, no illness, no wars or hunger, the world was finally at peace.
Oh, and Liverpool still haven't won the league.

我完善了我的时光机，迫不及待地想要试验一下，于是我设定去一百年后的未来。到那里后我简直不敢相信：会飞的汽车，没有疾病、战争和饥饿，这世界终于获得了和平。
噢，而且利物浦还是没在联赛中获得胜利。